Ducks in a row by Lisa Keaveney

Consistency is a bad word for me! I try to work on aspects I find unpleasant in myself so that I can make room until I can replace the unpleasantness with LOVE. My goal is to be able to look at myself in the mirror or in a picture and truly LOVE who I see looking back at me. 

Surprised by this? A lot of people through the years have thought I had all my ducks in a row. I am one of those people who can’t even find my ducks let alone put them in a row. I was so afraid to admit that I was not perfect for so many years because I was taught to not let anyone see me sweat.

Cliche, I know but that was how I was programmed growing up. It is a new world and I need to find my place in it. I was programmed to never talk about how I felt; not happy, sad, depressed, hurt, joy, etc. NONE of the emotions. It was bad to go to a therapist, take medications for emotions or be in an inpatient facility. I was never to lose control or tell anyone about my private life or others around me would be embarrassed about it.

When I was in high school and beyond, I used some sort of planner to plan my hourly life. I had a reason to plan from high school and beyond, I needed to be perfect. The question was, for whom? I know that answer but that is just for me.

I had important jobs with important responsibilities starting in my 30’s; a nurse, a manager and a director (notice that mother was not in that list, and I was a mother from the time I was 22) again the way I was programmed.

For those who really know me, know I have always been obsessed with planners and planning my life. When I became a towed wife (a wife of a trucker), I thought I didn’t have anything to plan, and I had a hard time really starting or finishing anything. It felt like my life was a shambles.

I decided to get a planner and start planning my daily activities again. Wow, that helped me tremendously! I had an undated planner and loved decorating it and writing down things I need to do daily. It felt good, I started a blog and a website thinking that I got my planning and consistency down. 

I was wrong, I felt like I failed because I was not consistent. I look back and think it was because there were days that I would do nothing and stay off social media for my “mental health”, but one day turned into two, turned into a week. You can’t get anything done if you are always playing games on your phone now, can you?

I have always punished myself with negative self talk, “I’m a failure”, “I can’t do anything right”, “I’m bad”, “I’m worthless”; that one is a common one for me. I am a snowflake which turns into a snowball a lot!

So back to the first paragraph about feeling LOVE for myself. I am coming a long way with that; I know it doesn’t sound like it. It has been a long time coming and it won’t happen in a day, but I can look in the mirror or at a picture and more often LOVE what I see rather than hate what I see.

I hope everyone works on their self-worth, even if its baby steps. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!! Life is a choice, no matter how small the choice, it is yours and yours alone in this life. I am starting to choose LOVING MYSELF instead of hating myself and it feels so good!

 Views expressed on this site are the opinions and thoughts of the author (content creator) only unless otherwise cited.

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