Consistency is a bad word for me! I try to work on aspects I find unpleasant in myself so that I can make room until I can replace the unpleasantness with LOVE. My goal is to be able to look at myself in the mirror or in a picture and truly LOVE who I see looking back at me. 

Surprised by this? A lot of people through the years have thought I had all my ducks in a row. I am one of those people who can’t even find my ducks let alone put them in a row. I was so afraid to admit that I was not perfect for so many years because I was taught to not let anyone see me sweat.

Cliche, I know but that was how I was programmed growing up. It is a new world and I need to find my place in it. I was programmed to never talk about how I felt; not happy, sad, depressed, hurt, joy, etc. NONE of the emotions. It was bad to go to a therapist, take medications for emotions or be in an inpatient facility. I was never to lose control or tell anyone about my private life or others around me would be embarrassed about it.

When I was in high school and beyond, I used some sort of planner to plan my hourly life. I had a reason to plan from high school and beyond, I needed to be perfect. The question was, for whom? I know that answer but that is just for me.

I had important jobs with important responsibilities starting in my 30’s; a nurse, a manager and a director (notice that mother was not in that list, and I was a mother from the time I was 22) again the way I was programmed.

For those who really know me, know I have always been obsessed with planners and planning my life. When I became a towed wife (a wife of a trucker), I thought I didn’t have anything to plan, and I had a hard time really starting or finishing anything. It felt like my life was a shambles.

I decided to get a planner and start planning my daily activities again. Wow, that helped me tremendously! I had an undated planner and loved decorating it and writing down things I need to do daily. It felt good, I started a blog and a website thinking that I got my planning and consistency down. 

I was wrong, I felt like I failed because I was not consistent. I look back and think it was because there were days that I would do nothing and stay off social media for my “mental health”, but one day turned into two, turned into a week. You can’t get anything done if you are always playing games on your phone now, can you?

I have always punished myself with negative self talk, “I’m a failure”, “I can’t do anything right”, “I’m bad”, “I’m worthless”; that one is a common one for me. I am a snowflake which turns into a snowball a lot!

So back to the first paragraph about feeling LOVE for myself. I am coming a long way with that; I know it doesn’t sound like it. It has been a long time coming and it won’t happen in a day, but I can look in the mirror or at a picture and more often LOVE what I see rather than hate what I see.

I hope everyone works on their self-worth, even if its baby steps. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!! Life is a choice, no matter how small the choice, it is yours and yours alone in this life. I am starting to choose LOVING MYSELF instead of hating myself and it feels so good!

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